Thread:KJ8/@comment-29713891-20160905143153/@comment-27990581-20160911103707

@Doli, thank you. I'm so sorry for your loss. I have no smart words... :(

@Melissa, thank you. A lot of things happened to me (deaths, heart break, psychological abuse, rape, selfharm,...) and I became a master of holding everything inside and pretending everything is great. Just saying fine - it's so much easier. And faster.

@Marie, thank you so much. I read what you wrote. I had his picture, but I had to remove it. It was causing my son problems and...I started suffocating everytime I looked at him. It's like "I love you! I hate you! I wanna hug you! Go to hell! I miss you! F*** you! Just come back!" Everything at once. Being angry at him - later I'm even more angry at myself for being angry at him. I love him. We had such a special bond, he was like my soulmate. Nobody understood our jokes, but we. We didn't even had to talk, we just looked at each other and knew what the other one was thinking. He was 22. He didn't have a very happy childhood, but he got through this. But then he met a girl, they were together for two years, but it was a long distance relationship. He loved her so much and saved so many times - she had some anxiety issues, she was selfharming and also suicidal. He helped her to get over all of that. When she was OK, she left him and said that he's to depressed for her. She took everything he had to give, she drunk all of his energy. Then she ignored him, didn't let him tell her hor she made him feel. She just blocked him everywhere. He left college and then he started to ignore me - later after the first attempt he told me that he was doing this so that I would get accustomed to life without him and it wouldn't be such a shock for me. Dear God, what an imagination. He always did this. Took care of everyone around him, tried to make everyone happy. And then one day he just disappeared. My sister thought he went to see his ex. I can't tell you how much my neck hurt...it was insane. I rushed her to go to the police, because I knew soemthing was wrong. He went to the woos, he slit his throat on Sunday evening, broke the knife, couldn't finish. It was so cold, it was raining for a week. He lied on the wet floor, bleeding, he crawled for 2,5 days to get to the field that was near a road. Walkers and cyclists passed him, didn't stop, they thought it was just some drunk dude. But then on Wednesday morning a lady stopped her car and called an ambulance, she said he reminded her of her son. He was in really bad shape, he got frostbite, nasty cold, he was covered with ticks, lost a lot of blood. It was a miracle he survived. Again, he went so far away so that we wouldn't find him for a long time and wouldn't be so sad when we did find him. He was in a mental hospital, came home with pack of pills, on the first check-up he got more pills. He was doing better. He had so many, he even got his first job, he started working out, ... When in hospital he promised me - he looked me in my eyes and promised me he would never do that again. I didn't ask him, he just promised me. But you know...deep down I always knew he would repeat it. I felt him. But kept hoping. In August he came to me and said he needs help and that he'll go back to the hospital, because he has suicidal thoughts again. I was so proud of him. We watched movies, eat candies, that was the last day I saw him. He said he came to say goodbye before he goes to the hospital, but...I...deep down I knewit's a different kind of goodbye. But I just hoped I was wrong. Months after that I found out he took one of my cards that day, the card of death. To let me know he decided then? He went to the hospital, they sent him home a fter three weeks, no treatment just stronger pills. On November 8th...I woke up at four in the morning, gasping for air and the whole front side of my body hurt like hell. I did't know what was happening with me. I understand now. He died at four in the morning. He jumped from 20 meters. His samsung galaxy didn't have not even one little scratch. But he...I always told him I'm here whatever he needs, he counted on me, but I...I didn't pull him back. His last google search was "fatal jump height". There was a "man" there - later we found out it was his neighbour who lived in the same apartment building. He found him. He didn't check if he was still alive. He didn't call the ambulance. You know what he did? He stole his phone! Hi stole a dead man's phone! Can you go any lower? God help me if I ever see him. My best friend was lying there on the cold asphalt all alone and I was in my warm bed. I...I blame so many people including me, I hate so much, I'm so angry, I'm so sad, I just wanna wake up, call him and tell him what an awful nightmare I had. These ADs are for 6 months or so...I took the first half yesterday, it was hard (dizziness, sleepines, ...), it takes 3 weeks they start working and that these side effects go away. I'll see...I have nothing to lose. I have often feelings of anxiety after my pneumothorax, they should disappeared after 2 months or so, but I still have them. I get scared in an instant - doesn't matter if I'm happy or not - that what if my lungs pop now or what will be with my son if I die. So maybe I'll get through another six months easier with this "crutch". It's 10mg of escitalopram. I wrote a lot more than I intended to. @Marie, please, don't feel that you need to answer or anyhing...it just came out.