Thread:KJ8/@comment-29713891-20160905143153/@comment-29694704-20160910131402

KJ, you are my friend and I am speaking with you in that capacity. I have no medical training or degree acquired from a college. What I do have are my life experiences. Thus I'm drawing on these as my guide to hopefully give you some perspective and perhaps help you heal.

You made a keen observation about yourself and you acknowledged that you were doing it. " I shut so many things in little drawers inside me ". Now all the 'little drawers' are opening all at once. Flooding you with emotion: anxiety, resentfulness, and anger. (just to name a few). It gets overwhelming and you start feeling depressed because there doesn't seem to be any damn thing you can do about it...the stuff in the 'little drawers'.

Divorce. Some are easy and simple. No fighting, haggling over who gets what. Just sign the paper and call it a day. That was my divorce. Did that make it easier than one that is ugly and bitter? No. The love that took me to the alter still died. It is still sad and painful. Set blame aside. You didn't do things. He didn't do things. That doesn't matter. What matters is the reason why you said "I do. The years that were happy.  The life you brought into this world." Put these thoughts, feelings, emotions in that 'little drawer'. Tell the hate, anger and bittness you don't live in me anymore. You'll have to say it a lot. The ugly has a firm grip on that 'little drawer'. But with conscience effort over time you'll think first of a happy marriage memory and not a bitter one.

Suicide. It's horrible. The after effects for those that are left to mourn. To try and understand, comprehend. The WHY? The self anger of WHY couldn't I save him. The anger at him. WHY did you do this? A thousand times WHY!?!? My friend, why has no answer. To ask again and again does nothing. All you get is silence. This will be hard KJ. You have to forgive him. This will not be easy, and the exercise is emotionally painful. First step is simple. Get a picture of him and curse him out. Seriously. "Nephew,  you MF SOB!!". Put the picture down and go on about your day. Repeat as necessary till your able to say "Nephew, your still an SOB but I love you". As time goes by your message to him expands to "Nephew, I'll never understand why, but I miss you terribly and I love you". One day you're at the "Nephew, I love you and forgive you". This exercise has no time line. You may be at an I love you and the next its SOB. The end result is the forgiveness KJ. TRUE Forgiveness. When there is no feeling of anger when you think of him. The ultimate, if possible, is to tell him you forgive him at his place of rest. Yes his grave. As for feeling sad. It's okay to be sad, just as long as the sad is followed by a happy memory.

I wanna talk about sweet-loaf but I don't think you (or me) is up for that right now. So give him a kiss for me.

As for the anti-depressants. I have mixed opnions. The idea behind these drugs is to put you in a happy place. However they can create mood swings and irrational behavior. Experience talking here. Wasn't me, but a family member. What is the dosage amount? Small. Wish I had medical knowledge. Not sure but I think if you take them you just shouldn't stop taking them. If you're unsure KJ talk to your DR some more. Not, ummm should I or shouldn't I take them, but side affects,  long term use, getting off them.

One final word. I love you. I'm here for you. If you ever need to or want to chat privately,  than we'll make a date and do that. 🤗😚👭🤗😚👭🤗😚👭🤗😚👭