Thread:KJ8/@comment-64.30.85.239-20161214192353/@comment-64.30.85.239-20161222202156

Dearest KJ, I think, but I am not certain, that my sister's death was her first attempt. It was discovered afterward that one of her boots was full of pills. I never asked if they included the antidepressants she was prescribed at the time... but it was "an assortment". Much planning had to go into her successful suicide though. She...let me just put it bluntly...the way I WANT to say it, not pussy-footing here..she blew her brains out with our mother's gun while standing in front of the mirror of our mother's bureau in our mother's bedroom. SORRY! Maybe that was unnecessary. Maybe that was too gory. It is reality. BUT...this had to be planned. I say this because the gun was in a box under our mother's bed, the bullets were hidden in the closet, and the clip to the gun was in the glove box in our mother's car. SO! I too, believe Leslie would have succeeded one way or another at some point in her life if her first attempt was unsuccessful. Her first attempt was dreadfully violent but I think she wanted guaranteed success.

I had my moments of blaming people...mostly the doctors and myself. Sometimes I blamed HER! I was angry, I was mournful, I questioned EVERYTHING about life and death...all and more continuously, concurrently. My mother, most likely blamed herself (OMG! I cannot imagine her pain). I had six sisters and three brothers. The sister one up from me was on the phone with Leslie (the youngest) probably minutes prior to the suicide. I bet SHE blamed, or still does blame herself for not keeping Leslie on the phone just until mum came home. All the other siblings must have dealt with it similarly, I really don't know. My son was born 13 days prior to Leslie's death. I have the last photo of her alive. She was holding my infant son in her arms. In her eyes is a vacancy. My son diverted my attention some. Her suicide also probably affected my parenting. Sigh...

KJ, I didn't expect you to reply. I am so sorry to put that burden upon you. I was afraid that my words had made everything even worse for you and because of your silence I wished I could have deleted what I shared for fear that it had overwhelmed you or that you were put off by it. So, I am truly sorry. I am sorry you felt the need to reply. It all must be too much to bear. But I do thank you for replying. At least I know you are still here. As I sit here and my "essay" is complete I question...Will this be too much? Should I delete now? ...I have decided to send it -Doli- ps please understand a reply is not necessary. I love you no matter what.