Thread:KJ8/@comment-27990581-20170110092804

Guess what? I'm baaaaaack. Well, not fully back. I'll be pausing. There are still some errors I have to to get rid of (head, heart, emotions), but here I am. And it feels good.

I'm so sorry I wasn't here, I'm so sorry if I made anyone worry, I'm just sorry for everything really. I couldn't sit and look at the screen. Everything was a blur and my hands were shaking too much to write. Let me just tell you that ADs are the biggest b**ch that can come your way. They're meaner than the most vindictive woman. I thought I'll go crazy. And not like when you can't do something write or you have tons of work and you say I'll go crazy. No. The real deal. When you think they'll come for you with a straightjacket. That's one of the worst feelings. But now - I'm proud of myself because I stayed sane. Well, my kind of sane. I'm proud of myself to beating ADs. I have a low self-confidence, but this time I AM proud of myself. Unfortunatelly I was alone. Maybe that's not unfortunatelly, because if I did it on my own then the whole success is just mine. I called my doctor (I DID, Doli), but...all she said was that none of my problems are related to me dropping ADs. That ADs don't do that. Oh and that February could get hard. Every single person that dropped ADs disagree, psychiatrists disagree, pharmacists disagree and yes, even tiny me, disagrees. If I told her that I'm thinking of selfharming again (cutting) and that I have a desire for suicide, she WOULD do something - yes, get me locked up. Well thank you, that's not what I need. And to top that non-helping hand from my doctor, I had a biggest fight with my parents on Dec 24th. And another one on Jan 2nd. We're not talking anymore. And also my sister didn't come to stay with us for holidays. I couldn't go anywhere, because I wasn't good for driving. I mean, f me, but there are other people on the road. So this last (almost) three weeks were really shitty. The only good thing was that Jack was here. You know, that Daniels guy. And now...I don't feel like complete s*it anymore, but I do look like s*it. Oh God! Those tiny f*ckers gave me 12 additional kgs. I have to lose those and get a litle warmer (hot would be too much), so I'll get at least a few winks in 2017. :)

I'm so grateful for all of you. Thank you so much for thinking about me, thank you for sending good thoughts and wishes my way and thank you for including me in your prayers. I love you all. Doli, Snow, Ef, Marie, THANK YOU.

I'm afraid I won't be able (not right now) to gift as much as I did, but if anyone needs anything, please let me know and I'll open the game and send it to you. Please, don't hesitate.

I'll try to answer last year's mesagges here, if I overlook yours, let me know.

Doli, I...sorry, can't find words...you know. I'm sure you do. 